Well, he did say that wasn’t his name.
There’s been a Bingo Meme going around on Twitter and I decided to try it out. It was fun, but also an interesting exercise because my brain couldn’t quite decide on a tone. Looking back, it’s almost like there’s a secondary game going on in it. “Who is talking: Robin, or Robin’s Mental Health Struggles?”
I mean, they are one and the same, obviously. I can’t truly be separated from them. Still, it highlights a question I ask myself a lot. Who would I be without the anxiety and depression getting between me and living my life? How much more could I be if so much of my energy wasn’t constantly draining into a hole that can’t be filled? A hole that, at its core, does not WANT to be filled, but only wishes to propagate itself and the conditions by which it exists? It’s hard sometimes to come to terms with the idea that while my experience of depression and anxiety will change as I grow and learn to better cope with it, it is also very likely that I will have to deal with it in some form my entire life.
I may never know what will go in those other squares on my Bingo Card.
I try to see the positives of that. I can share my experiences with others and sometimes that can be healing and helpful for them. It lets me have a different perspective and kind of compassion for other people with anxiety and depression sometimes, although never an identical experience. Everyone is different, and it’s important not to project my own feelings onto somebody else. Still, vastly different situations can yield strangely similar coping strategies. It is nice to understand, for example, exactly the kind of information an anxious friend needs to know so they can feel better, because there is a specific kind of data needed to address the anxiety that most people don’t perceive. It is exceptionally moving to get letters from people who have become more empowered to face their own mental health struggles because of something they read about in my story or blogs. I put those on my wall, for when my own inner voices get too loud again.
So there are positives. There is value in it. It’s just…it’s still hard. And I guess sometimes maybe it’s okay just to say, “This makes me feel sad. I wish I could be happy without a voice in my head reminding me that I’ll never get to be happy for long.”
Hahahaha uuhhhoooogh this was supposed to be the “up” blog because last update was so serious. (Great comments and discussion, btw, thank you folks!) “Just post the silly Bingo card. Lots of laughs!”
…Hi, thanks for coming. I’m Robin Childs, and I bring The Heavy.