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C13P39 Equitable Exchange

C13P39 Equitable Exchange published on 14 Comments on C13P39 Equitable Exchange

Vision might claim to be the god of inspiration, but based on his tone I’m not 100% he isn’t actually the god of smug.

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with my friend Lewis a month or two ago.  We hadn’t seen each other in a while and met at a Thai restaurant (delicious).  As we were talking, we got on subjects that I am passionate about.  When that happens, I tend to get…well, I think most would use the term “soapbox” when describing it.  I take on a confident tone.  That doesn’t always mean I think I know the answers to something — I almost always second-guess and doubt my own thoughts at least a little — but I do get emotionally bold and lay out things I’ve thought a lot about in an authoritative manner.

We’d been at the restaurant since it opened at 11 and it was now creeping up to 1.  I was getting paranoid about needing to leave.  They probably want to seat new customers here.  We’re probably in the way.  The staff is no doubt FILLED WITH HATRED AND LOATHING FOR US, I thought to myself.  I asked Lewis if we could meet at a park nearby and keep chatting while taking a walk.  We paid and headed out.  My anxiety followed me into my car, but now instead of worrying about the restaurant staff, I was going over everything I’d been saying to Lewis for the past two hours.  I must sound like such a windbag, I fretted.  Like a senile old lady spouting nonsense.  Or a delusional, arrogant, stuck-up jerk who thinks she knows everything.  Yes.  Either I sound like a crazy person who doesn’t know anything, or I sound like a crazy person who THINKS she knows everything.  OH GOD.  HOW CAN LEWIS STAND BEING AROUND ME.  HOWWWWW????

There was a part of my brain that suspected this train of thinking.  A more objective part that has seen these thoughts before.  I also knew Lewis would get this line of thought.  So when we met again at the park, I made a point to lay out what had been going through my mind.  In that sort of “Haha hey, you know what is silly, this is silly, these thoughts.  Yes.  Are they?  Please verify they are because my brain is only half sure.”

 Lewis burst into laughter.  “Robin…you have absolutely no chill.”

I thought to argue, because I know I can be silly, but thinking on it…even when I’m silly, I do it very seriously.  I prefer to be 100% ludicrous if I’m going to be ridiculous about something.  It’s part of why Cory and I get along so well.  We will “back each other up” when one does something odd by doubling down on the other person’s oddness.  We regularly have impromptu skits about the strangest things, or bark at each other, or speak at length in nothing but a volley of back-and-forth puns about vegetables…or butts.  (There are a lot of great butt puns to be made.)  If one of us randomly bursts into their own parody of a current musical hit, purposefully singing as badly as possible, it is a sure bet that the other will add in further lyrics, dance moves, or percussive sound effects.

We take our silly very seriously in this household.

It can be a lot of fun…but it’s not really the same as relaxing.  In general, relaxing is not something I’m very good at.  If relaxing is a skill, it is not one I have developed.  I am a novice relaxer.  My mind will almost always find something to fret about.  Swimming has been an interesting exercise in learning to have some chill.  I might talk a little bit about that next update, since this one is already a little long.

Do you have any chill?  Or do you, too, take your silly very seriously?  In what ways?

14 Comments

Children visit this site. Moderate your language accordingly.

I wonder why DreamEater was sleeping. Maybe still in conference? I am also wondering why Vison was originally a snake, but DreamEater already had a human shape.

In my language, we have the idiom: Where the heart full of is, flows out of the mouth.
Like you, I can talk with passion and endlessly about the subjects I love. And that can also make me unsure in whether I talk too long.
I have little chill. 🙂

What is this “chill” you speak of? Ok, an inaccurate question… How do you actually be chill without mind altering substances? And even then, my alcohol induced chill is just feigning chill because the noise in my ears never stops. Whether is because I am mad about the (by now) expected selfishness and toxicity of my family (Or is it me that ruined everything because of work circumstances and plans that were made well ahead of time that were out of my control…) or because I am with my friends and we are talking (am I talking too much? Am I really considering what is said?). Even here, in this oddly public forum I can only poorly ape chill (is this too long? Maybe I should wrap this up, too much about me, where is there a good article that relates that moves the spotlight off…. gods I am such a selfish creature, maybe I shouldn’t post this. )

Sometimes, I am a nearly accurate copy of chill, and I can almost experience what it is like to not have rampaging rhinos of thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I am crushed by my own metaphor. Mist of the time, its somewhere in the middle.

I relate so much to all of this.

Also: You are not a selfish creature to have a long comment. You are a glorious one. Thank you for trusting me and your fellow LeyLians to share something personal.

On that note, the word “selfish” gets me thinking. Because it’s one that shows up in my own internal narratives a lot. Yet, a lot of the time…the word “selfishness” is a way to demonize “boundary control.” The people who have told me I’m selfish (my own mind included) are the ones that don’t like to hear, “No, respect me and my boundaries,” when they make an unreasonable demand. And the more I’m alive, the more I’m pretty sure healthy boundary control is about 89% of becoming a functional human being. While it’s true we can all be self-absorbed sometimes, I do wonder about it when someone weaponizes the word. If not doing what someone else wants, on their terms and their timeline, at the expense of one’s well-being, elicits such an attack…HMMM I wonder where the selfishness really lies? I. Wonder.

You and I are worth being put first in our own lives when we need to be!

Vision, the rudest thing you have done is bring a head full of fire to a library. You’re going to wreck it, all because you couldn’t have hair like normal people.

I also have no chill, Robin. But I try to remind myself that this is what people like about me. And if they don’t, they can get stuffed.

HOW COULD HEAD FLAMES POSSIBLY GO WRONG IN A BUILDING LITERALLY MADE OUT OF FLAMMABLE MATERIALS? I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE. IT JUST LIGHTENS UP THE PLACE. CLEARLY IT NEEDS MORE WINDOWS. AND FIRE.

I’d never thought of my lack of chill as a positive trait. Huh. I will have to ruminate on that.

People who love you will never try to dim your shine. In fact, they’ll love you more because of it. And if anyone tells you to cut it out without a good reason, then you know they don’t really care about you. (The good reason would be if you are like me and prone to talking really loud in places where you are supposed to be quiet.)

I am…uhm…of a certain age, let’s say, and have had to learn to chill. There are a few things that will irritate me to the point of screaming anger, but they are few. I am currently caring for someone of limited mental capacity (think 3 year old) who has dementia. There are days when I feel like I spend my time yelling about everything, and I hear that naggy little voice like you do. Reminding me to stop yelling, relax, find answers to what is irritating me. Sometimes this works and sometimes, well, I spend a lot of time in prayer. (Not pushing religion here, it’s what helps me is all.)

And sometimes it hard to separate a passion for something like ideals or beliefs from just yelling about it mindlessly, which we see far too much nowadays. It’s okay to be passionate about your beliefs, just be mindful about them (there’s that finding chill thing again), and the fact that other people are allowed to have opinions, even differing ones. I tend to do the same as you, and then question what I said. We do this because we are not narcissistic and expect everyone else to have the same opinions, likes, and dislikes that we do! Basically, I finally decided the only way to have chill, was just quiet the voices in my head like I have amnesia, as best I can, like shutting them behind an imaginary door. Either someone you are speaking to will listen, or they will totally ignore what you said.

That the ability to chill is something that can in fact be developed over time comes as a great relief. That means that it is a skill, which can be practiced and honed, rather than something that a person either has or does not have. There is hope for me yet!! Because while I am learning to appreciate my passion, never being able to let things slide is exhausting after a while.

Honestly, I went through a phase of learning to meditate. I don’t care to get into the whole “let yourself become one with the universe” sort of thing, but it did help with learning to control the chaos of my thoughts. I tried ti mainly because I would have serious problems shutting down at night and going to sleep. Insomnia, anyone? I started by using simple whole body relaxation techniques, which worked quite well to quiet the muscles, too. Once you do that, getting the mind to calm down is easier. Deep breathing, and forcing yourself to think about breathing is helpful too. Oh, and one other thing I discovered over the years, and it sounds stupid, keep on a regular eating schedule. Low blood sugar because of hunger surprisingly activates the busy mind. You won’t realize it because your mind is trying to distract your body from being hungry. It can also make you tend to over eat, a big problem for me. Regular meals, or meals and snacks at periodic times during the day, keeps your body happier. When your body and mind aren’t fighting it is easier to get control.

I’ve also got no chill. Its not that I’m angry or explosive, but that the ways I let emotions out is usually with high intent. I think if I let myself get explosively angry & loud, that’d actually be _more_ chill than how I am.

I don’t have the energy to be constantly running/self controlling though. So, I am trying to find more chill. I like healing animes for this, or some children’s cartoons. To some extent though, I sleep a lot to recover.

I hadn’t thought about it before, but your comment about healing animes (Fruits Basket is my favorite for this) made me think about fanfiction. Most of the time my reading material is novels, but I’ve noticed that whenever I’m feeling WAAAAAY too stressed, that I’ll start binge-reading fan-fic. Huh! Maybe I consume healing-fics! Related note — do you have any healing anime you’d recommend?

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