Una’s opinion of the status quo is not particularly favorable.
There are books and topics I want to talk about, but right now I’m mostly just tired. And not in the best mental place. Upside is I KNOW that I’m not in a great mental place and I’m taking steps to address it and make sure it doesn’t escalate, but it’s still not a great feeling to have intense depression thoughts going round and round. Just because I know I’m not going to commit suicide doesn’t mean it makes dealing with thoughts about it any easier.
It’s like having a drunk, unwanted visitor shouting outside my house. I know they can’t get through the door, but I also know they’re not going anywhere for a while, I can always hear them shouting abuse, and as long as they’re there, I can’t leave the house. At best, it’s mentally very draining and frustrating, because I know that this drunk person is a piece of myself. I wish it was as simple as “just thinking happy thoughts,” but if dealing with depression was something that one could just snap one’s fingers to fix, I’d have done that over a decade ago.
Today is the first Vlog of the month on Patreon, which means I make it public, but I’m so down in it that I almost didn’t post it. I hesitate to share my unvarnished thoughts when I’m in this state of mind. Yet at the same time, the weekly Vlogs on Patreon are pretty much all about that. Sharing my Real Deal thoughts with a small, personal community. Most of the time that means good, or at the very least philosophical. Some of the time, it means bad. And on rare occasions, like to day, it means very bad.
In the end, I decided to share it, because this is part of the experience too. Sometimes if we’re struggling, it’s good to know we’re not the only one. Other people are fighting their own battles too. Today I’ve definitely been fighting mine:
What battles are fighting? Whether you share them or not, know that I’m wishing you the strength to face them, and the grace to let yourself rest so that you may face those battles in the proper time. Take care of yourself.