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C11P45 – Respectful

C11P45 – Respectful published on 19 Comments on C11P45 – RespectfulPurchase

Respect is a powerful thing. I realized today that I’ve been learning the same lesson about respect over and over and over these past few years. Mainly, that it is not worth working with those that don’t treat you respectfully.

It finally dawned on me today that I could tell whether or not a person was valuing me based on how I felt about myself. This is a big breakthrough thought for me. I cannot reliably judge someone on their behavior due to my trained tendency to rationalize and excuse poor treatment. What I can keep an eye on is how I feel. Looking back at the working relationships I have had in the past several years, whenever I remember feeling intensely inadequate or incompetent, it was always around specific people. When I examine their behavior now, I can recognize that much of it induced those feelings due to a lack of respect. Now that I’m working with people that respect me, I usually feel confident, valuable, and capable. My sense of self is reflecting their healthy behavior.

I want to emphasize respect in everything I do, in part to reinforce its importance to myself. Today is the first session of my creative writing course at a new school. I’ve decided to start with a discussion of the following Writer’s Pledge:

I will…
Respect…My fellow writers, my teacher, & myself!
Listen…To the stories and ideas of others!
Join in…so I can learn lots and have fun creating!

It’s a simple pledge, but one of the things I want to talk about for respect is how broad and encompassing it really is. It’s hard to create in an unsafe environment, and if there’s no respect, there’s no trust or safety. I plan to talk about how a creator also needs to respect their own ideas, even if they may seem silly or stupid at the time. What is a “bad” idea, really? Ideas that we might dismiss at first can often lead to better, more exciting, more creative ideas. A “dumb” idea might be the first step to a truly momentous breakthrough. I want kids to respect themselves and their own process. To explore thoughts fully, and not look down on their own creativity. Too often we dismiss ourselves, and miss something important.

How do you show respect to yourself?

19 Comments

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<3 <3 Pakku! Yes! Good job!

Una! Good job!

Re: respect, I stand up for myself. Often, when people say "pick your battles", what they actually mean in my case is "let more people walk on you", or "please accept this microaggression gracefully, so that we don't have to deal with the consequences of the jerk at the table". Pronouns always wrong? People making fun of my pronouns? Host knowingly asked for my food allergen to be put in most of the dishes in front of me at the restaurant? Pick your battles.

On the days I don't pick myself, I feel like CRAP afterwards. On the days I do pick myself, well, its exhausting and I get worn out because, well, these are battles. But, my spine is a little straighter for it in the long run.

I’ve recently been thinking a lot about the phrase “pick your battles” lately, so it’s interesting you mention it! I do think it’s often co-opted by people asking for others to put up with their bad behavior. However, recently I’ve been thinking that perhaps a better use of the phrase is more in line with “A person has the right to choose where to spend their energy.” I feel that puts it in context more. I pick what really matters to me, what I think is worth fighting for, and I get to decide how to marshal the energy to tackle those battles. And I see few battles more worth fighting than those that protect one’s identity. I just wish we lived in a world where folks didn’t have to fight so hard for such simple gestures of respect.

It sounds really frustrating and tiring that you have to defend boundaries that it SHOULD be easy for others to respect. But I am glad you aren’t giving up on yourself or your own identity! I agree that it’s better to feel exhausted than to let who you are be treated carelessly.

Yes! “A person has a right to choose where to spend their energy” is a really nice one. πŸ™‚ I like that it reminds me to not choose for others (because sometimes it hurts so bad when a friend is choosing to not stand up for themself, but, that is their choice and if that’s how they allocate their energy, I want to respect that).

haha… yeah, I am frustrated and tired. Thank you for the sympathy! πŸ™‚

And thank you for Pakku and Una. For awhile I’ve seen a chunk of myself in Pakku, so seeing him in an unexpected situation, where he sticks up for himself while also respecting Una is so very satisfying. πŸ™‚ Unexpected situations are SO HARD to react well in. It makes me feel good to see someone similar to me in many ways reacting well in one. πŸ™‚

They are going to be the cutest peculiar couple ever! I wonder if their kids will be tall or short?

I think Una would find the IDEA of being a mother horrifying…but would actually be one of those crazy awesome moms.

…On the other hand, I think Pakku might have a heart attack at the mere thought of trying to be in the same room as a small child.

Well, I find this page very nice. It is remarkable that the usually harsh Pakku shows respect to Una.

I like how you drew Una’s face in the first panel. Her wide eyes and her reaction in the next panels give Pakku’s words an emotional impact, wich is very well delivered to the reader.

There was just one thing that I disliked, the lay-out of panels or of the words.
Pakku’s word balloons lead to the second panel, but lead me away from Una’s face. It is until after Una’s word balloons that my eye goes to Una’s face in the first panel, which is confusing.

(I hope that you can understand me, English is not my native language)

But for the rest, it is a very well done page.

You make a good point about the panels. I was trying out something different and I agree that it didn’t quite land exactly as intended. I wanted it to seem like the reader would “come around” to Una’s point of view, not knowing the importance of the moment until AFTER her response…but since that’s messing with how time is represented in the moment, I think it undercuts it a little, because we don’t see the emotional impact until after it occurs.

…English is my native language, and I’m not sure I’m making sense myself!

Thanks for the feedback. I’m glad some of it works, even if not everything in the image was quite as successful as I wanted it to be.

I’ve suddenly developed a lot of respect for Pakku. I think it’s likely that his open-mindedness is due to cold logic rather than a conscious effort to be so, but regardless, I do like him for it! At the same time, it feels as if Pakku is going to be the one wielding power in this partnership, going off of Una’s slight show of weakness here. It’s an interesting reverse of Warren’s predicament, where Warren doesn’t seem to have any control. Can’t wait to see how this unravels!

As for your subject of respect, that is interesting! Respecting others and yourself is incredibly important for everyone’s well being. It was drilled into me from an early age to respect others, but showing myself respect has always been a more difficult thing. For years I’ve been terrible for self-bashing. If I feel even the tiniest twinge of embarrassment or failure, I automatically begin to openly bash myself as if proving to others that I’m self aware about my failings makes it better. Sometimes I think people don’t even notice my failings until I point them out, and as stupid as I know it is, put me under slight pressure and I will. And once I’ve done that, people treat me with less respect because they believe me incompetent, and I feel more embarrassed with myself more often.

It’s one of my new year’s resolutions to stem this behaviour. It’s been going pretty well, so far. First step is to believe in my own competence and remember that everyone makes mistakes… just most people don’t immediately point them out!

Believing in your own competence would be mine then, I guess! It’s easy to trick yourself into thinking yourself incapable if you take note of your own flaws and ignore everyone else’s.

Pakku likes to be technically correct (the best kind of correct!) so it’s definitely closer to logic than an intentional effort. He doesn’t know what the rule is, so he’s asking for the answer so he can follow the given guidelines. That said, Pakku also struggles a bit with identity and feeling disregarded, so there may be some unconscious workings and feelings under the surface of his question.

Regarding believing in one’s own competence, I can very much relate! As I was discussing with my therapist today, feeling out-of-one’s-depth is a productive motivator for educating one’s self, but getting wrapped up in it and letting that doubt get out of control can be very destructive. Not only to my perception of myself, but as you discuss, damaging to how others perceive me. Sometimes we just need to respect the process of learning…which means making mistakes. (Curses! πŸ˜‰ )

It’s interesting to note (as my headcanon is that Pakku is some sort of autism spectrum) that it’s easier for autism-spectrum people to deal in these sorts of situations, in a very strange, roundabout kind of way.

Pakku wants to be technically correct all the time. He lives based on facts and not society. Many autism-spectrum disorders involve a lack of instinctive understanding of social rules.

If Pakku has never understood societal rules, then, knowing his direct sort of personaltiy, it makes sense that he would address situations he doesn’t understand head-on, by asking them what is the correct form of *whatever* so that he doesn’t make any mistakes (especially since he hates being wrong). To someone who has never understood anything, asking to be told is the best defense against being wrong, even if other people don’t get it.

it just so happens that in this case, the asking itself happened to be the correct answer.

I also want to mention that I would write a hell of a lot more if I could stop convincing myself that some of my ideas were’stupid’. I think whehter the idea is actually stupid or not is something you can only judge after trying to write it… and is a very subjective thing.

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