This chapter went through so many re-writes before I figured out that what I really needed to do was play with dynamics. I had all these separate groups that were playing shadow dances with each other. It was needlessly complicated, confusing, and as a result, boring. When it finally dawned on me that the dynamics between characters like Pakku and Una would be incredibly fun to write, that’s when everything clicked for this chapter. Took me months to figure it out, though!!
I was writing in my angry poems notebook again today, and it occurred to me that the thing that’s kept me alive this long has been stories. The idea of not finishing a story, of leaving people wondering what happens next, really bothers me. If I’m about to go on a big trip, especially one that involves a flight, the thought of crashing keeps me up at night. Not because I’m overly concerned about being dead, but because the idea of leaving a story unfinished frightens me. There’s so much I want to tell, and I’m deeply scared of something happening to me and then being unable to. The idea of not existing is not very frightening to me. Occasionally, it sounds like it would be a relief. But not finishing a story…that bothers me. And ever since I was 15, I’ve had at least one story to tell. I’ve gone from Shades of Grey, to Frost, to LeyLines. And I have no doubt that after that, there will be something new I want to tell.
I wonder what it says about me, that I’m more afraid of leaving something unfinished, than not living at all?