Sorry for the late update today LeyLians!! The holiday threw me off and I thought it was Sunday today, which it obviously is not.
It has been a strange weekend for me, because I have been focusing very hard on doing nothing. Nothing is not something I do very often. I typically work throughout my weekends. Especially since there are so many things to do lately with getting the book files ready to go. My intention for this holiday weekend was to finish three more pages of extra content, do Wavemen writing with Cory, color two pages, and fix the technical difficulties we’ve been having with Cory’s computer so we can record podcasts again.
On Saturday I woke up and got hit with a baseball bat of depression that left me feeling like everything was impossibly hard. I tried to work on the extras, but every word was a struggle, and I ended up deleting everything I had written and starting over again and again. After hours of guilt-tripping myself for my lack of progress on anything, I forced myself to look into the computer problems, which it turned out I couldn’t solve. This resulted in an even blacker mood, digging up some of the deeper problems I’ve been processing for the past months. These black moods scare me. I’ve had self-harm and suicidal thoughts in passing most of my teen & adult life, but never something that felt filled with intent or real possibility. Ever since March, however, these black moods have come up, and they frighten me. My therapist suggested that when they come up, I should try writing something. Journaling was her initial recommendation, but for some reason I hate writing in journals with a fiery passion. So instead, Saturday I made a notebook titled “Angry Poems” and in that I am writing all these black thoughts that for some reason I feel inexplicably driven to rhyme. Through some bizarre mental quirk, it appears rhyming comes naturally to me when I’m ranting about the pointlessness of existence.
And you know what? As mortifying as it feels to be a grown adult writing terrible, angsty poetry, it did make me feel better. The black moods feel like I’ve been filled with a horrible, dark potential for violence that could spill over if I even move. The notebook gave me a place to pour all of that. And once it was poured out, I felt I could move again. And I realized how high-strung I was, and how tired, and how stressed I’ve been.
And I realized that if I actually rested, REALLY rested, I’d probably feel more capable of doing all the things I want to do.
So I have been doing a lot of reading. And today I’m going to go see a movie with Cory. And, most of the time, I’m actually managing NOT to feel horribly guilty about my lack of work ethic. I have given myself the task of resting, and if nothing else, I am very good about getting tasks done.
I hope that all of you that got a holiday today are enjoying it, and if there’s something fun you’ve done/are doing today, I’d love to hear about it in the comments! And if no holiday for you, I hope you can still sneak in a moment or two of fun or rest anyway.