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C11P04 – Cleansing

C11P04 – Cleansing published on 8 Comments on C11P04 – CleansingPurchase

Sorry for the late update today LeyLians!! The holiday threw me off and I thought it was Sunday today, which it obviously is not.

It has been a strange weekend for me, because I have been focusing very hard on doing nothing. Nothing is not something I do very often. I typically work throughout my weekends. Especially since there are so many things to do lately with getting the book files ready to go. My intention for this holiday weekend was to finish three more pages of extra content, do Wavemen writing with Cory, color two pages, and fix the technical difficulties we’ve been having with Cory’s computer so we can record podcasts again.

On Saturday I woke up and got hit with a baseball bat of depression that left me feeling like everything was impossibly hard. I tried to work on the extras, but every word was a struggle, and I ended up deleting everything I had written and starting over again and again. After hours of guilt-tripping myself for my lack of progress on anything, I forced myself to look into the computer problems, which it turned out I couldn’t solve. This resulted in an even blacker mood, digging up some of the deeper problems I’ve been processing for the past months. These black moods scare me. I’ve had self-harm and suicidal thoughts in passing most of my teen & adult life, but never something that felt filled with intent or real possibility. Ever since March, however, these black moods have come up, and they frighten me. My therapist suggested that when they come up, I should try writing something. Journaling was her initial recommendation, but for some reason I hate writing in journals with a fiery passion. So instead, Saturday I made a notebook titled “Angry Poems” and in that I am writing all these black thoughts that for some reason I feel inexplicably driven to rhyme. Through some bizarre mental quirk, it appears rhyming comes naturally to me when I’m ranting about the pointlessness of existence.

And you know what? As mortifying as it feels to be a grown adult writing terrible, angsty poetry, it did make me feel better. The black moods feel like I’ve been filled with a horrible, dark potential for violence that could spill over if I even move. The notebook gave me a place to pour all of that. And once it was poured out, I felt I could move again. And I realized how high-strung I was, and how tired, and how stressed I’ve been.

And I realized that if I actually rested, REALLY rested, I’d probably feel more capable of doing all the things I want to do.

So I have been doing a lot of reading. And today I’m going to go see a movie with Cory. And, most of the time, I’m actually managing NOT to feel horribly guilty about my lack of work ethic. I have given myself the task of resting, and if nothing else, I am very good about getting tasks done.

I hope that all of you that got a holiday today are enjoying it, and if there’s something fun you’ve done/are doing today, I’d love to hear about it in the comments! And if no holiday for you, I hope you can still sneak in a moment or two of fun or rest anyway.


Children visit this site. Moderate your language accordingly.

Something fun that I am doing, well, may seem like work to others, but I’m currently working on the rest of the pages for LP, I’m planning to do an everyday update this week, with a page or two per day, so I’m trying to my best to get it all done since chapter one is very close to an end. See a story or a part of a story come to an end is very fun for me. XD

That’s not a lack of work ethic. That’s recognizing that a healthy work ethic comes from understanding the balance between work and life. This gets tricky when work is fun and creative, but you can’t be in that mode all the time. All you’ll do is burn yourself out and make the bad times last longer.

The most important thing is that you take care of yourself.

You’re right. Although it’s difficult for me to remember, but I am trying to learn.

It can be extra hard when feeling self destructive, or if one places little value on ones self-worth when depressed. Those are my personal pitfalls that make self care super hard even when I remember that I should do it.

I’m trying to practice praising others who exercise good self care (ESPECIALLY when they apologize for it), as a way of reinforcing in my brain that it is a moral and praiseworthy activity rather than a failing or weakness. I think this is helping me.

Anyhow. This might not work for you at all, and might not be your pitfalls. Just trying to say that you’re not alone in learning it, and not alone it the learning being difficult at times.

And, I’m really glad that the poems book is helping you. 🙂 I adore your work and your writings and want good things to flow your way. Thank you so much for sharing with us what is working for you.

Ok… something fun for the comment. I’ve been playing a lot of Wesnoth (an open source game) with my significant other. Its a tactical fighting game, but most scenarios have good plots too. It has been a nice way to wind down after work. 🙂

We’ll hopefully play some Hanabi soon. Its a card game sort of like solitaire, but collaborative (you can’t see your hand. You can play cards from your hand, or tell your partners about cards in their hand). Its very hard, as far as games go, but builds a nice sense of trust and team building. 🙂

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