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C10P45 – Don’t believe you

C10P45 – Don’t believe you published on 12 Comments on C10P45 – Don’t believe youPurchase

Summer break has started for the kids. Major convention season is over. 30 hours a week are back in my hands, and I feel like there’s an unlimited amount of work that I can get done. I wish I could do this all the time. There’s so much to get done, and my days are full from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, but it’s work that I love doing. I’ve been doing character designs for Cory & my next project, rebuilding LeyLines buffer, and putting things together for the Kickstarter. Oh, and swearing at state tax websites. Because there has to be a fly in the ointment somewhere, right?

There’s a weird hopefulness and hopelessness in the work. Hopeful, because I can look back at the work I’ve done and see progress. I can look forward at the work I plan to do, and imagine that it could be successful. Yet it’s also a hopeless feeling, because in that optimism lies a fear that it will all be work for nothing. That at some point, I’ll have to wake up and realize that I don’t have what it takes to make things work. Whether that’s talent, or personality, or just dumb luck. They are at war, these two beliefs.

The fear is a sunk cost fiction, in the end. The expectation for a specific result, or the imagining of success in only one form, which is in all likelihood nothing like what actual success would look like. That, if all this work and time and effort and hardship and struggle does not yield that single outcome, then all of it was a waste. That I will reach my later years and look back and say “I used up all the time I had on a dream I couldn’t reach, and now have nothing to show for it.”

As if these sunken years have no value in the digging. The skills developing could not be re-purposed. The creations wrought no delight or worth in themselves, when the very act of writing and creating has so much meaning for me.

I’m so concerned about survival. I worry about it constantly. I have bouts of terror, that I have doomed Cory and I to some nebulous disaster. Yet I look back and realize that we are coming up on a year out of the old job, the old career, the old path, and we’re still standing. Yes, budgets are tight. And sometimes the feeling of “being poor” is oppressive. But the lights are still on, the roof is over our heads, and there are meals on the table. That’s more than many can say. Let alone what many worry about, when they think about survival.

I wonder how many years I will have to go through, before I accept that when I took that leap of faith, I landed on solid ground. Or, at the very least, that I created some ground on which I could stand.

Maybe survival isn’t as impossible as I worry it is. And ultimately, shouldn’t we all aim for something more than just surviving, if we are in the situation to do so?

What are you doing to not only survive, but thrive?

12 Comments

Children visit this site. Moderate your language accordingly.

Mizha is right. Well the now Mizha. I’m very proud of how she is growing, and she is very right, better being selfish than a liar.
But couldn’t those two be related in many ways?
Oh well that doesn’t matter. I’m very happy for Mizha and how she is turning out. 🙂

Do not worry so much about the path you are on. Henry David Thoreau wrote:

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his (her) dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he (she)has imagined, he (she)will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

Move forward with purpose and without fear. The future has a habit of taking care of itself. 🙂

Robin, self-doubt is a natural part of life. But, don’t let it consume you and your thoughts. Focus on the positive and the present. The past and the future cannot be dealt with, you have to deal with today.

Ten years ago I was lost. My company torn apart by an idiot partner and I was left with $500,000 in debt. I spent the past decade learning to deal with that major failure. It was not easy, and it cost me dearly, both emotionally and financially, but at the end of the day, I’m still here, in my home with my family. I had to kick myself in the ass and focus on the issues. Plus, I changed my career, and that has given me new hope and a light at the end of the tunnel.

You’ll make it. But you will have your failures. How you handle them is the true test of your mettle. You have the right attitude, just keep those negative thoughts in balance.

As my mom likes to quote to me: “A writer is someone who can’t not write.”
For many years now, creating stories has been my survival tactic. But even in years to come, when I (hopefully) get to college and away from the arguments between my divorced folks, it’ll still be a main feature in my life. 🙂
And now I can’t wait for next Monday to see how Mizha banishes this combined spectre from her head!

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