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C10P03 – Memory

C10P03 – Memory published on 13 Comments on C10P03 – Memory

I’ve got a bad memory. I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned that before. And I’ll probably end up mentioning it again. Because I won’t remember for sure if I have or haven’t. Poor Cory has to deal with this every day, hearing the same stories and realizations over and over again. On the upside, he can re-run L5R campaigns with new groups and I can still play without altering the outcomes, as it’s as if it’s brand new to me every time. And books have HUGE re-read value for me.

My memory is also highly selective with my mood. Sometimes I’ll only remember good things. Sometimes only bad things. Logically, I know that everyone is made of good AND bad things, and thus will have good AND bad memories, but practically I have trouble accessing those things depending on my feelings on one side or the other. And that bothers me, because I’d like to have a balanced view on the people that have been a part of my life, and it’s usually hard for me to do so. Sometimes I, like Mizha, wonder if this makes me a bad person. And sometimes I think it’s just a way my brain developed to help me survive. Maybe losing those memories enables me to do things I wouldn’t be able to otherwise. It’s just hard to say one way or the other, because I rarely know what it is I’ve lost.

I do find it odd what will trigger memories. I know a lot of people say that smells make them remember things, but for me it’s typically sounds, especially music, and, appropriately enough, comic pages. With music, I think it’s because when I get a new album I’ll listen to it ad nauseam until I can’t stand it any more. So when I hear it again, it brings back memories of a time period. Who I was, what I tended to be doing, in that several week stretch. With pages…well, I have no idea why I remember things when I look at old pages. You’d think I’d be less aware of my surroundings when I’m drawing, but most of the time when I pick up a page I have very strong memories of where I was at the time of creating it. Road trip, class room, study. Sometimes who I was with, what I was listening to, or what subject was being taught. For someone with a memory as horrible as mine, being able to recall something that clearly is a rather surreal experience.

What things will spark clear memories with you, and what do you usually recall when it happens?


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(It’s actually one of the worst things about depression–your memory gets clearer and more accurate… but only about sad things. The happy things are hard to remember.)

I’m the same way with music! I will listen to the same album for literally months at a time, so hearing it again always takes me back to that time of my life. Like this summer I was all about Twin Shadow. (Still kind of am. “Forget” is a great album.)

I have not heard of this Twin Shadow you speak of, but color me intrigued! What do you like the most about them?

As for memory, I’ve heard that depression can definitely mess with the mental databanks when it comes to record-keeping. I can certainly attest to its impact on me.

Before I was a mother, I remembered the cool things about my mom the best, her shining moments. They were few and far between, but the were vivid points in my childhod. Now that I am a mother, the things I remember about her the most are the things I swear to never do to my child.

It’s funny how kids change the equation. They don’t even have to be your own. I’ve found that supervising recess brought out my father in me. And that scared me. That’s not how I want to interact with kids. At least now that I’ve realized it, I have more of a choice. I can practice and build better habits.

Not so much music, but voices. I can hardly ever recognize an actor by face, but I’ll see an episode or a movie and hear a line and go “Hey! That character was played by the same person as such-and-such a character in this movie I saw ten years ago!” And be right. Or…”I’m pretty sure this anime’s end theme is by the same group as this other anime’s opening.”

For personal memories…objects. I handle an object I haven’t seen in years and all of a sudden this string of memories will crop up of other times I’ve held it. Like you, I have a very bad memory, so I highly value this…and it results in a bit of pack-rat-ism ^_^() How can I throw away something that is my only real link to my past?

I too struggle with faces, but am very good with voices. Unfortunately, I’ve found that a lot of people when they hang out together begin to adopt similar vocal patterns and pitches, which really mess with my ability to recognize people! At least I know they all belong to the same group…

I’ve mentioned on previous comic pages that I was in an abusive relationship. Before that, my memory was spotless. Now, I have trouble remembering things that happened a few days ago. I trained my brain to forget a lot of things I didn’t want to remember, and now it’s like I can’t remember even things I want to. Particularly, I can remember specific moments that stand out, but orders of events are fuzzy. There are roleplays that I’ve done that I forget whether event X happened before or after event Y, even though I remember both events in great detail. If I had homework in school, I could remember that I had homework that day, but not in which classes, or which pages.

The brain does strange things to survive, is what I’ve concluded. When in a punishing environment, it removes things. At least, that has been my experience. Which is frustrating, because time and again I’ll have a situation that I PERCEIVE as good become abruptly intolerable and “snap out of it,” suddenly realizing that it was a bad situation for a long time, but my mind had omitted the bad parts.

Man, I hate that feel. And the related feeling of having a situation you perceive is good, have something really bad hapen, and then realize all the warning signs you’ve been subconsciously ignoring, deliberately, because you don’t want the bad stuff to happen again so you pretend everything is good.

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