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C07P34 – Coward

C07P34 – Coward published on 16 Comments on C07P34 – Coward

This is something Kali and I have in common. I don’t know about you, but when I’m down, there’s no nice thing another person will say to me that I will believe. Cory will try to tell me I’m nice, or beautiful, or a good person, and I’ll say, “No, I’m not, I’m mean and ugly and horrible.” I can’t understand why he’d even waste the time to tell me such things. Of course, when I’m up, I understand why, but that perspective doesn’t seem to survive the trip down. I am trying to train myself to at least say “I’m glad you think that,” or “Thank you, that’s kind.” It’s at least a step above my old bad habits. I hope one day I can learn to see what he does.

Continuing our series on piecing my artistic past together, here’s some illustrations I did for a story I wrote in 5th grade called “The Tale of the Fuzzy-Grumpers.” (Don’t ask me about the name, I honestly have no idea where that came from.) I only wrote two chapters, but if memory serves, it involved overthrowing an oppressive totalitarian regime that relied on the enslaved Fuzzy-Grumper population. Also had oppressive gender roles? Clearly, I already had a fascination with sprawling worlds and stories that were way too big for my own good. πŸ™‚

The two chapters that I wrote had the mean janitor “Brice” (which was oh-so-cleverly a disguised version of a mean janitor at my school named “Bruce”) turning into a crazy scaled bat-winged bird thing (top picture) and carrying me away to another world. There, he accidentally dropped me and I encountered a wild Fuzzy-Grumper (the adorable fuzz-ball at the bottom).
20130319_FuzzyGrumper
In hind-sight, it seems obvious that I’d want to be a storyteller when I grew up. It’s rather shocking that I didn’t realize I had a passion for this until a few years ago. It was just something I did. Looking at all these stories, and the piles and piles of comics I’m finding, it’s hard to understand how I set my sights on anything else, let alone for so long. Hindsight is 20-20, as they say!

What have you looked back on in your life and viewed differently because of hindsight?

16 Comments

Children visit this site. Moderate your language accordingly.

Again, you and I are the same in our slumps. Gah, I wish it were different.

On the upside, as I’ve continued over the years to work on addressing old, negative patterns, the slumps are changing. They don’t last as long. The good periods aren’t as manic and they tend to be more extended. Even how my world-view works when I’m down, and the amount of perspective I’m able to maintain, has improved. Keep working at it. The pain and the suffering we experience does have a purpose, and it won’t last forever.

D: I should have known this warm fuzziness could not last. You’re going to leave us on a cliffhanger on Friday, aren’t you?

Even if you feel that you can’t respond adequately to Cory, I’m sure he knows how much you appreciate him. It’s really nice that you have something like that together. πŸ™‚

Also. I want a fuzzy-grumper as a pet.

Oh Kali…that is some wicked deep advice about fear and cowardice, though. Makes you really think.

Hindsight has showed me, like you, that I was meant to be telling stories, haha, specifically comics! When I was much younger, I always drew illustrations right in with my stories, much like your Fuzzy-Grumpers there. However, suddenly around age 13 I separated the two and started writing novels and drawing everything else as stand-alone artwork, for the most part. It didn’t occur to me until years later that I might even try comics, and even then it was only because I had discovered webcomics and not because I thought it was a good combination of my skills.

It took yet another 3 years for me to start Ignition Zero and discover it’s what I want to do with my life! 12-year-old me would be like, “DUH!” because he was drawing manga comics fervently, but older teen me would be very shocked! It’s funny to look back on.

Oh, whoops, forgot to add that I see you are planning to attend a con in Maryland this year! I hadn’t heard of that one, but now that I have I will try to come see you during it if I can get off work!

Yeah, similar pattern of depression and self-deprecation with me. I’ve suffered from it all my life; only in recent decades have I learned to cope better, with medication, exercise and the sheer perspective of years.

An advantage to being depressive is the introspection that often goes with it: one’s self-examination, properly trained, can also show the transitory and illusive nature of depression. At least that’s what I’ve found, with the help of good friends.

And Kali’s mentor is dead-on about the true nature of cowardice, though of course it’s difficult for her to see.

Meanwhile, fear and cowardice are gathering in the shadows, though those moved by it see it as decisive, brave action…

I had the thought the other day that being a person that lives with depression is like being a Phoenix. When I’m up, and full of life and glory, I can look at the down times as an important part of future renewal and growth. But when all my fire feathers start falling out, and the time of ash grows near, the question that’s greatest is not what I’ll learn, but “why do I have to die?” I am encouraged by the fact that how I experience even that question has changed as I’ve gotten older, and worked on understanding myself better. I hope my relationship with this part of my life will continue to evolve, as it sounds yours has!

When I was in school, I was the one every one made fun of. So naturally, when some girl (who was never mean to me, looking back) told me that some guy (who was also never mean to me) wanted to ask me out, I assumed they were just being mean, and I was really rude in return. NOW, when I view their reaction, and even their actions before hand, I think maybe they were being honest. That could have been my first date, first boyfriend, so forth and so on. I don’t regret the choices I have made, but there are a lot of people I would like to apologize to for things I did, stuff I said in premeditated self-defense.

I know the feeling. I wish I had the skills, perspective, and abilities then that I’ve developed now. On the other hand, I might never have learned to develop those skills if I hadn’t had those negative experiences. There are several people that I wish I’d known how to treat different. But if I hadn’t been awful, I never would have challenged myself to be better. It’s a catch-22! The only thing we can do is always try to be better.

Painful times. And some wounds never fully heal.

I just recently went through a couple of days of self-denigration due to letting myself get beyond my low frustration threshold and having a fit of the screaming heebie-jeebies. First time in well over a year but I always feel like I’ve let myself down, and down I go through the spiral into the conduit to the past.

I hope some part of Kali can hear him and know it to be the profoundest of truths.

It’s the struggle to win ownership of our own souls that’s important, not the comparatively short-lived falls from grace.

Also, Robin,I love the tension You’re creating by the panels where the people are heading toward her and she’s not only unaware, but distracted by her painful inner dialogues.

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